For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten up between 5-5:30 to pee.  Even if I’ve spent the previous day roaming around the Sahara, I still have an overwhelming urge to get up and whizz.  And every morning, there’s a song rattling around in my brain.  The split second I come out of my groggy sleep-induced haze, I hear the song as clear as if I were wearing my iBuds.

I can’t turn it off.  I can’t adjust the volume.  It’s just there.  It’s loud.  It’s usually grating.  And it’s always by the original artist.  (If I had the karaoke version or Muzak-version trapped in my head, I would have offed myself years ago.)

Because I clearly don’t have enough stuff to write about, I’ve kept a running tally of a week’s worth of songs … 1) for your enjoyment and 2) because it gives my therapist something to psychoanalyze.

August 3^rd …. “There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) – Eurythmics.   The thing that pissed me off about this song is that I usually get to sleep in a bit on Mondays … or at a minimum, go BACK to sleep.  Nope, Annie Lennox was coming through loud and clear with that annoying “La Da Dee Dee Da Da” intro.  My brain couldn’t even get to the lyrics; it was stuck on that particular part.  And the record was skipping.

August 4^th … “Bad Romance” – Lady Gaga.   Again, does my brain actually know there are words in this song?  Apparently not.  I bolted straight out of bed humming “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-Roma-ma-ah!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!”  Over and over and over and over and … wait for it … over and over and over.  I went to see Gaga in concert that night … makes perfect sense, right?

August 5^th … “Bad Romance” – Lady Gaga.  Same song, different morning.  I’ll call it Gaga Afterglow.

August 6^th …“Paparazzi” – Lady Gaga.  Seriously, brain?  Seriously?  Throw me a frickin’ bone here.  Come on!  I’ll settle for Journey at this point.

August 7^th …“You Can Go Your Own Way” – Fleetwood Mac.  I had a conversation earlier that day about recent concerts.  Seems my brain finally clicked off Gaga and clicked on Fleetwood Mac – the last concert I saw.  Stevie Nicks looked great.  Lindsay Buckingham is still creepy.

August 8^th … “A Girl In Trouble (Is A Temporary Thing)” – Romeo Void.  When my brain gets a good night sleep, it defaults to this song.  It’s one of my all-time favorite tunes.  Yes, I’m a product of the ‘80’s.

This morning I woke up to “Mambo #5” by Lou Bega.  It’s still there.  God only knows how long it will be there.  Random, yes.  Inexplicable, yes.  Infectious, yes.

My only hope is to start singing it at work until someone else gets it in their head.  Then – and only then – will I be free.

A wise director once told me, “Never, ever, EVER work with kids or animals.”  I’ve stayed true to that until last week.  Thursday’s “What The Chic” featured a segment on Back-To-School Fashion for the kiddies.  Yes, I was forced – at gunpoint – to work with small children.   (Shudder.  Cringe.)

It was just as horrendous as you might imagine.  Six well-dressed ragamuffins running amuck through a TV station.  (Kinda sounds a tragic sitcom on “ABC Family”.)

When I got to the station, the kids were on their semi-best behavior.  You could tell their moms’ had threatened them within an inch of their lives.  Unfortunately, the moms were also doling out candy like, well, candy.  I immediately swiped it all out of their grubby little hands and mandated, “None of you will have any more sugar until this shoot is over, you hear me?”  They looked at me and giggled.  The sugar had already started to course through their bloodstream.

I was doomed.

If I weren’t wearing a $450 shirt, I would’ve broken out in a cold sweat.  I quickly turned to the mothers and hissed, “Put the Gummi Bears away and let’s go rehearse!”  The kids followed me like a maniacal Pied Piper, but just because I was the one currently in charge of candy distribution.

Once rehearsals started the children seemed to be taunting me.  A simple request like, “Line up here” would fall of deaf ears.  Why deaf ears?  Because these kids were screeching in an octave only dogs could hear.  I immediately popped in earplugs.  I kept reaching for my boot flask only to realize I forgot to fill it.

During the show itself, I was babbling like a moron.  I had one eye on the camera and one eye on the kids off-screen who were hopping around like Mexican jumping beans.  You can watch the fun unfold in the link below:

http://www.kctv5.com/video/24530904/index.html

You will note at the very end of the segment one of the kids goes missing.  As if on cue, the child had a complete meltdown on LIVE television.  A full-on temper tantrum.  You’ll note my voice gets a little shaky as I’m trying to corral the kids and tug on the photographer to stay away from shooting Damien, the demon seed.

The smile on my face?  Fake.  My loathing for small children?  Real.  Thank God back to school only comes once a year.  And thank GOD Halls doesn’t carry clothes for small animals.