An English accent can be gorgeous.  That being said … there are 402,659 different dialects in this damn country.  Most of my relatives speak proper “Queen’s English” … the version you’re used to hearing out of the mouths of Simon Cowell and/or The Beckham’s.  Then there are the other versions … each more complicated than the last. 

The Cockney accent – followed closely by the Geordie accent – have quickly become the bane of my existence.  I can’t just listen to a conversation.  I actually have to pay attention to what British people are saying to me.  It’s like listening to a foreign language.  I liken it to watching the movie “Snatch” – sans subtitles.  (And, yes, I get that Brad Pitt has an Irish accent … but this is far worse.  I mean, delightful.) 

I find it endearing that my family has virtually no “T” in their vocabulary.  If Cockney blokes drop their “H’s”, my relatives avoid the letter T like the plague.  (Note the two words above.  They would say “vir-ually” and “rela-ives” when reading that sentence … er, “sen-ence”.

On this trip I’ve paid particular (“par-icular”) attention to some of their slang phrases.  Here now an English to American translation:

“Shut yer gob, you wanker!” = “Please keep quiet, my friend.”

“Weh wuh weh?” =  “Where were we?”

“Mind, she is an ugly sod.” =  “Kim Kardashian IS attractive, yes?”

“Hoy-a hamma owaer” = “Throw your hammer over.”

“Shite!” = “Gosh darn!”

“Bloody hell, she’ll trip over her face.” = “Why the sad expression, dah-ling?”

For several years, I thought my relatives were always irritated.  Or annoyed.  Or miffed.  Or all three.  Turns out the word “pissed” means to be drunk.  Or wasted.  Or blotto.  Or all three.  Every time they said, “I was so pissed last night”, I’d immediately think they got in to a fight with someone.  Turns out they did, but pissed meant something altogether different.  Usually involving ale.  Or beer.  Or lager.  Or all three.

It takes me about two weeks to deprogram myself from speaking like a proper British bloke.  I wish Madonna had that problem.  Her fake British accent is God-awful.

Back in the ‘90’s, it was all the rage to “get your colors done”.  Simply put, you’d pay a haughty person to tell you what colors you look best in and which ones you should NOT wear.  I guess it’s based on your skin-type, your hair color and your body type. 

I always thought I could wear most any color.  I was WOEFULLY wrong.

Even though this was a million years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.  The woman, my Colourist (“yes, with a ‘u’”), said I was a “harsh winter.”  Your colors are likened to the four seasons.  Some people look good in pastels or lighter colors … they are considered “spring”.  Other folks look good in darker, ruddy earth tones.  They are obviously “fall”.  Yours truly only looks good in bright primary colors.  Solid colors, mind you.  No patterns and no mixing and matching of shades.  God forbid.  “Here is the standard box of Crayola crayons,” said my Colourist.  “There are eight crayons in here.  Never deviate from the colors in this box.”  She said it with so much foreboding I thought she was going to add “… or you will DIE!” afterwards.

She then leaned in and said, “My dear – you’re not just a winter.  You’re a HARSH winter.  You have little to no skin tone.  Wear anything other than bright colors or you will look … dead.”  She then proceeded to yank the yellow crayon out of the box.  “On second thought, you should never wear yellow either.  You’ll look like you have jaundice.”

Before getting my colors done, I was always attracted to primary colors.  Mostly blue.  Now I wear “electric blue”, “shocking blue” or “neon blue”, less I upset the balance of the universe.

Last week, I unveiled new fall looks during my “What The Chic” segment.  (Watch the segment by clicking on the link:  http://www.kctv5.com/local-video/index.html?grabnetworks={videoid:4328150})  I loved what I was wearing in the piece, but kept thinking back to what my colorist once said.  “And, Michael, listen to me … never, ever, ever wear any sort of fall color.  With your ruddy complexion you’ll look like a burnt umber crayon … or a Cheese Doodle!”

Why everything revolved around Crayons, I’ll never know.  Sorry Seafoam Green and Soft Lilac … you’re far too advanced for me.  I gotta stick with Red Apple or Green Clover.  Or else.