The Great M’Wester of 2011
Here’s how you spend the day hunkered down during the worst blizzard in forty years.
6:30am – I get a text from my boss saying the agency is closed for the first time in our 20-year history. I immediately get up to pee and put a bottle of Chardonnay in the ‘fridge.
6:33am – Go back to bed.
6:34am – Get back up and opt to put a second bottle in the ‘fridge … just in case.
6:35am – Go back to bed again.
8:22am – Get up and look outside. A few fluffy flakes are sputtering around. Turn on the news to hear to hear the weathercaster using worlds like “crippling snowstorm” and “ridiculous accumulation”. Roll eyes.
8:32am – Turn on fireplace and start drinking Hot Toddys.
9:00am – Begin drunk dialing my friends who live in warm climates and tell them how much they suck.
9:15am – Look outside and see actual accumulation. Consider eating breakfast and showering. End up passing out on the couch.
10:02am – Wake up in pool of drool on couch and notice a rainbow in my spittle. Assume that’s a sign to continue drinking. Instead prepare and wolf down a breakfast burrito.
10:20am – Skype to my friend Christian in Germany. Hesitated turning on the camera because I was still in sweatpants and was sporting bed head. Too lazy to get up off couch and grab baseball cap … let alone take a shower. All good. Christian still thinks I’m cute.
10:52am – Splash cold water on my face to desperately sober up for an 11am client conference call.
11:00am – Use words like “creative logistics” and “minimalist array of photography”. Manage not to slur.
11:26am – Open first bottle of wine. Make lunch. While in kitchen, I notice my neighbor attempt to leave her carport. Her car – made of tinfoil – spins out and careens down hill – probably to her doom. I cackle.
12:01pm – Watch news for about thirty seconds. Hyperbole bores me. Immediately start rummaging through cupboards looking for brownie mix.
12:05pm – Call my next-door neighbor and ask her to bake me brownies.
1:19pm – Hear doorbell. Run to door and snatch still-warm brownies out of neighbor’s hands. Stand in doorway and inhale brownies. Drink wine right out of bottle to wash them down.
1:21pm – Invite neighbor inside house. She declines and trudges back to her house shaking her head.
2:00pm – Realize I rented two movies from Redbox. Listen to the wind howling outside. Watch the first movie. Opt to take nap instead.
4:00pm – Wake up again in pool of drool. Can’t see across the street. Total whiteout conditions. Scroll through phone to see if I happen to have Helena Bonham Carter’s phone number handy.
4:15pm – Get text from personal trainer telling me he’s canceling our session for the evening. Crack open 2nd bottle of wine. Make fajitas. Text back to trainer that he’s a wuss.
5pm-10pm – Not really sure what happened during this period. It’s anyone’s guess. Use your imagination. Remember hearing thunder. And my neighbors arguing in Spanish.
10:33pm – Decide to write this blog in a veiled attempt to do something productive today other than lie on couch and be hypercritical of the newscasters.
11:10pm – Post blog. And hear the faint sound of snow plow for the first time all day.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Tweet