Who Wants Spinach?

“Hey, (sir, dude, M2, Michael, MichaelMackie, boyfriend, princess, mister) … you have something in your teeth, yo.”

I hear that at least twice a week from co-workers, waitstaff, friends, Romans and/or countrymen.  I’m not sure when my teeth became harbingers of lingering food particles, but it happens a lot.  A lot more than I care to admit.

The problem has become so bad that I’ll actually swish water around in my mouth after nearly every bite.  I look like a crazy person … one who is addicted to gargling.  I’ll turn to anyone – including total strangers – and ask them if I have anything between my teeth.  Nine out of ten times the answer is, “Yeah – you gotta little sumpthin’ right there” … and then they gesture to whichever two teeth are holding a fennel seed hostage.

The reason why I have to ask so frequently is because inevitably I will have something trapped near my gums for long periods of time without anyone telling me.   You’d think people would just spit it out – figuratively, not literally.  I love to point out people’s flaws and faults.  It’s one of my best qualities.

I once went on a job interview with a strand of blueberry skin hanging down from my incisors.  I thought the HR gal was staring at my devastating smile … but turns out it was really just the remnants of a granola bar.

I’ll brush.  I’ll floss.  I’ll pick at my teeth with multiple toothpicks – often while chewing gum.  If there’s anything I’ve become neurotic about – it’s smiling whilst the remnants of rhubarb pie dangle precariously in my gum line.  I asked my dentist why my teeth were so prone to collecting morsels — anything from appetizers to desserts is fair game.

“Doc, it’s not like I’m British,” I plead.  “I have nice teeth.  No gaps.  No gaping crevices.  And a great smile … one that is constantly interrupted by food that adheres itself to my pearly whites!  What did I do to deserve this?!”

My dentist took one look at me and said, “It’s because God hates you.  Oh, and you gotta little sumpthin’ right there … looks like spinach.”

This entry was posted on Monday, July 12th, 2010 at 3:31 am and is filed under M2's World. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.