In my latest episode of Halls’ “What The Chic”, I get to wear false eyelashes as part of a great sight gag.   The sight gag is that I had no sight … I couldn’t see past the gigantic palm fronds hanging off my eyelids.

The make-up artist raved about how exquisite these were.  Made of genuine ostrich feathers.  Delicately woven.  And hand-dyed to match my own eyelashes.   She’s telling me this as she’s slathering me up with some sort of epoxy, mind you.  I figured my eyes would be stuck together for days.

Once they were applied, I had a difficult time opening my eyes.  Who knew ostrich feathers would weigh approximately 46lbs. on each eyeball?  I had to concentrate holding my head up for the fear of paraplegia.

I knew the segment was going well when an audience started standing around the make-up counter.  With all the lights and crush of humanity, I started to get hot.  The audience members were temperature controlled, however.  Every time I’d bat my eyelashes, it would create this fan effect to keep them cool.  I’m a giver.

False eyelashes are not making a comeback … mainly because they never left.  They just became higher quality and far more expensive.  No more tacky tarantula lashes.  Today’s faux eyelashes can be custom-made, custom-dyed and custom-sized just for you.

Drag queens all over the world are breathing a collective sigh of relief.  Ostriches, meanwhile, are up in arms … er, wings.

Here’s the 411 … I don’t enjoy watching movies in theaters.  I’d MUCH rather curl up like a blob at home.  Gimme a couch.  Gimme a fireplace.  Gimme some sushi and it’s bliss.  Oh sure, I had to suck it up and watch “Avatar” in 3-D at the IMAX theater, but otherwise it’s sofa city.

I had to endure “Avatar” sitting next to someone who gave me a running commentary through the whole film.  “Did you know this was all done on computers?”  “This part is awesome!  Watch!  Watch!”  “Did you know this was ALL done on COMPUTERS!?!” (By the end of the movie I was ready to punch him in the throat.  In 3-D.)

It took me forever to discover Netflix, but now my queue holds a wild array of obscure and/or comedic and/or documentary-esque films.  (This week’s film?  “The Secret Life of Bees”.  I picked it, but only because Netflix SWORE I’d enjoy it.  We’ll see.)

I’m up on a lot of the Oscar films and I was going to make some Oscar predictions.  Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be an informed consumer.  I’ve missed a couple of the biggies … “The Hurt Locker” or “Inglourious Basterds”.   (Inevitably, they’ll win.)  But I’ll give it the ol’ college try.  I’ve entered several Oscar pools … my picks are pretty standard fare.

Best Picture:  “The Hurt Locker” (Again, it will FORCE me to see it.  Sorry “Avatar”.)

Best Actress:  Sandra Bullock (Come on, Academy.  You know she’s worth it.  Like a Jean Nate’ Bath Splash.)

Best Actor:  (tie) Jeff Bridges and Jeremy Renner (although my actual pick is Colin Firth – because “A Single Man” is the only movie I’ve seen in this category … for now.)

Best Supporting Actress:  Mo’Nique (If she doesn’t win … I’ll eat my hat.)

Best Supporting Actor:  Christoph Waltz (yeah, I got nuthin’ – it sounded good in theory)

Tomorrow I’ll watch the Oscars with my delightful Indian friends.  It’s not Hollywood … it’s Bollywood.   I can’t wait.  It’s a huge party.  There will be food, energy, fashion advice and attitude.  It’s just like being AT the Oscars … except I’m the only white boy in the room.