Got a chance to attend a Chiefs game at Arrowhead Stadium over the weekend. It’s been at least a decade since that’s happened. Organized sports aren’t necessarily my forte, but the game against the Broncos was considered by many folks to be a little Mini-Superbowl.
Since I really didn’t pay a lot of attention to the game itself, it gave me a lot of time to pay attention to other things. Here now are my musings on all the other sundry items I noticed.
*Tailgating is an event in itself. Competitive eating was like an Olympic sport. In less than ninety minutes, I had consumed the following: a brat, a lamb burger, Rocky Mountain oysters, BBQ ribs, a corndog and several gourmet cupcakes. Once I came off my sugar high, I promptly fell asleep in my seat waiting for the game to start.
*Parking at Arrowhead stadium is nearly $30. For that much money, I’d like to be carried from my car to the gate on some sort of heavily cushioned throne carried by several linebackers.
*The man sitting in front of me was dressed in a gorilla suit. He would occasionally speak in to a banana like it was a cell phone. Not one person took notice of him, his antics or his oversized monkey suit. I was fixated on him for about 20 minutes until he just blended in with the rest of the crowd.
*A fun little PSA occasionally plays on the JumboTron to remind fans to “respect the game”. Basically, it’s a friendly reminder not to act a fool whilst at the stadium. Don’t swear. Don’t wreak havoc. Don’t throw your own feces. And don’t get in to fisticuffs with any of your seatmates. Basically, you’re constantly reminded to act like you’re in church – if church allowed binge beer drinking and relentless screaming at anything and everything.
*The man next to me, meanwhile, ate an entire bag of peanuts. He was so enraptured by the game he would occasionally forget to shell the peanut before consuming ‘em. I was fixated on him for about 30 minutes until he finished wolfing down the salty snack.
*My friends that attended the game with me were Broncos fans. They wore their navy and orange attire with pride. Other than a car trying to mow them down in the parking lot, the day went off without much bloodshed.
*Speaking of bloodshed, someone was murdered in the parking lot approximately two rows behind where we were parked. That would explain why it took so long to exit the stadium. I thought traffic was just wildly backed up. Turns out, our car was firmly entrenched in the middle of an active crime scene investigation.
*A woman in front of us was wearing a cowl neck sweater pulled up to her lower eyelids for much of the game. I assumed she was suffering from Ebola and simply didn’t want to contaminate anyone in the general vicinity. At halftime I asked why she was trying to suffocate herself. She announced she had called in sick to her job and was trying to stay incognito. A Bedazzled, zebra print gas mask would have drawn less attention.
*The stadium was sparkly clean. The bathrooms were pristine. Even the elevators had that new car smell. I can’t say the same about the locker rooms. Try as I might, I wasn’t allowed inside to give it the white glove treatment.
*The noise level at Arrowhead Stadium teeters between ear shattering and deafening. It’s been three days and the ringing in my ears still hasn’t subsided. It’s like being inside a jet engine – or what I imagine that to sound like. At one point I started bleeding out of both ears, but figured it was just all part of the fan experience.
*The cheerleaders collectively shook their bon-bons for over three solid hours. The last time I saw that much synchronized hair flipping was in a RuPaul video. The cheerleaders were the highlight of the game for me. An abundance of pep and choreography.
*The Broncos ended up winning the game — which was kind of a bummer. But it reminded me how much fun going to see a NFL can be if you have a full belly, ear plugs and a bright red stocking cap to keep your head warm at all times.
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