Growing up, I had an enormous and extensive vocabulary.  (Still do … come to think of it.)  Several times a week my dad would teach me a new word and I’d be forced to use it in everyday vernacular.   Imagine my kindergarten teacher’s surprise when I said, “Wow – you’re really loquacious!”

I was also an avid reader in my younger formative years.  (Not so much anymore … come to think of it.)  The Hardee Boys.  Nancy Drew.  The insipid Little House on the Prairie collection.  One day I heard my mom chuckling.  Normally, she would only chortle when “M*A*S*H*” was on, so I knew something was up.   She was reading a column by Erma Bombeck.   Since that day, I have zealously read every single thing Ms. Bombeck has published.   If it’s funny enough to make my stoic mom laugh, I figured it could probably create world peace.

As a burgeoning nine-year old, I didn’t get a lot of Erma’s maternal jokes.  But it was easy-reading and the jokes I did understand I still use to this day.  (Copyright infringement IS the most sincere form of flattery after all.)  My all-time favorite one-liner of Erma’s?  “The next door neighbor kids were so polite; they would write me a thank you note for taking a drink out of our garden hose.”  (That cracked me up.  I actually considered doing it to see what sort of response it would achieve.)

Erma passed away in 1996, but her passion and livelihood lives on.  Every other year The University of Dayton hosts “The Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Festival”.  I’ve gone to the last three conferences.  (The next one is coming up in April.)  It’s a great chance to re-charge my batteries.   And the people I’ve met have become good friends, critics and confidants over the years.  The first year I went, I swear, I was the only guy there.  Women attached themselves to me like barnacles.  I think that’s where the term “cougar” was born.  I quickly found (and latched on to) a group of rowdy broads with a fondness for swearing and drinking.   Calamity Jane was more demur.  Topics would run the gamut from pre-menopause to menopause to post-menopause.  Lord knows, I could write a whole blog about that.

Now, usually, I’m the funny one in any group.   At the conference, however, I struggled to be even slightly amusing.  Writers come from all over the U.S. and Canada to try out their new material.  Good thing I’m thick-skinned … because my funny bone usually gets fractured trying to keep up.

Erma is my idol for a number of reasons.  She takes day-to-day life and finds the absurdity in it.  That is my goal in life … to mock the mundane.  To eviscerate the every day.  To comically cajole the common.  To … oh, you get the idea.  Most of my blogs are secret odes to Erma.  You may not know it as the reader, but every blog will give at least one shout-out to Ms. Bombeck’s writing style.

She made funny look easy.  Trust me, it’s not.

In my latest episode of Halls’ “What The Chic”, I get to wear false eyelashes as part of a great sight gag.   The sight gag is that I had no sight … I couldn’t see past the gigantic palm fronds hanging off my eyelids.

The make-up artist raved about how exquisite these were.  Made of genuine ostrich feathers.  Delicately woven.  And hand-dyed to match my own eyelashes.   She’s telling me this as she’s slathering me up with some sort of epoxy, mind you.  I figured my eyes would be stuck together for days.

Once they were applied, I had a difficult time opening my eyes.  Who knew ostrich feathers would weigh approximately 46lbs. on each eyeball?  I had to concentrate holding my head up for the fear of paraplegia.

I knew the segment was going well when an audience started standing around the make-up counter.  With all the lights and crush of humanity, I started to get hot.  The audience members were temperature controlled, however.  Every time I’d bat my eyelashes, it would create this fan effect to keep them cool.  I’m a giver.

False eyelashes are not making a comeback … mainly because they never left.  They just became higher quality and far more expensive.  No more tacky tarantula lashes.  Today’s faux eyelashes can be custom-made, custom-dyed and custom-sized just for you.

Drag queens all over the world are breathing a collective sigh of relief.  Ostriches, meanwhile, are up in arms … er, wings.