My newest guilty pleasure is wrong on oh-so many levels.  It’s a website dedicated to the freaks of nature who shop at Wal-Mart.  Yes, Wal-Mart.   Come to think of it, there’s a Wal-Mart within walking distance of Casa Mackie.  And it’s a veritable Rogues Gallery of winners.

Wal-Mart is America’s great equalizer.  Everyone shops there because, well, Wal-Mart has EVERYTHING.  Couscous in Aisle 4.  Snail-B-Gone in the Garden Section.  And the latest piece of newfangled technology (destined to become obsolete by tomorrow) in Electronics.  And while I much prefer Target, I have been known to traipse in to a Wal-Mart in my day.  There’s a $50 minimum to get out of the store.  I have stopped by several times to pick up ONE specific thing … like Q-Tips.  I left with Q-Tips, two picnic tables, a Best of Kajagoogoo CD, and a non-stick skillet.  For some reason, I can’t escape that store without a non-stick skillet in my hand.  Why is that? I now have like 22 of ‘em.

Whether you’re young or old, short or tall, fat or fatter – chances are you buy most of your sundry items at Wal-Mart.  But not only do you now have a chance to stimulate the economy (and the Walton’s coffers), you can be featured on a website to boot!  It’s just a win-win all the way around.  I will be the FIRST to admit I’ve gone in to Wal-Mart looking like absolute hell.  Sweatpants, sandals w/ socks, mustard-stained T-shirt.  I’m usually on a mission because I’ve run out of something.  This week it was a specific kind of mint dental tape.  (Yes, like floss – but more pretentious.)  I scurried in drenched in sweat from working out.  Mercifully, I saw no one I recognized.  And other than the 35 security cameras, I doubt anyone of note saw me.  I left with dental tape, green tea, Chapstick, a People Magazine and a small non-stick skillet.  (Shut up!  There was a sale!)

If you want to have a new website that makes you laugh about the absurdity that is Wal-Mart, visit www.peopleofwalmart.com.  Their stores are rife with nut jobs, whackadoodles, exhibitionists and rough trade.  I go there every day – sometimes TWICE a day – uh, the website … NOT the store.  Enjoy!

… happens to be the single most important day of the year.  It’s my birthday – a day I share with Elton John, Aretha Franklin and Sarah Jessica Parker.  (How’s THAT for good company?) I’m a notorious Aries.  I had my astrological chart done a million years ago – and the astrologist said, “You’re a CLASSIC Aries with a Pisces rising.  You’ve got all the worst qualities of both signs.”  She made vanity, narcissism and a short attention span sound like bad things.  What does she know anyway?

I now take my astrological chart a little more seriously.  Everything I found out about Aries is wildly accurate.  Apparently, when you’re an Aries you are wildly loyal, but only to a small handful of people.  (150% accurate!) Everyone else can basically suck it.  (200% accurate!)

Aries don’t have much deep emotional depth, but can express much of their energies through relationships with friends.  (Ding!) Get this … people born on March 25^th often flout conventional wisdom about health and fitness. They pride themselves on being able to get by with little sleep. They lead an active dream life and funnel their problems and stresses through dreaming.  (It’s true … I function on little sleep and am rarely stressed or worried.  Who knew? Besides … stress causes wrinkles.)

But wait!  There’s MORE!

People born on March 25^th have a strong desire to be famous. Since fame is not always possible, many of these individuals are satisfied with being widely known within a circle of colleagues.  (Uh, hello.  Story of my life!)

And, according to my chart, there are few goals that March 25 people cannot achieve. Goals take on the weight of a quest, and dreams become vivid and dramatic. They inspire others by the grandeur of their hopes and dreams.  (Well, I’ll be damned.  I achieved all my goals by age 30.  It’s all been downhill from there.)

So, for those of you who don’t believe in astrology – lemme tell you – I’m a believer.   My chart could not be more applicable.  And apparently, I only play well with certain folks.  (Hello, Leos & Libras & Geminis!) The rest of you I can tolerate, but on a limited basis.  Which explains a lot.