When my boss says, “Michael, we’ve got this new thing we want you to try for a story”, well, no good ever comes of that.  This time, I was encouraged to attempt “aerial fitness”, which is a new workout that involves flying through the air with the greatest of ease.  Trapeze not included.

Have you seen Cirque de Soleil where trained acrobats writhe around on what appears to be drapery?  They flip and contort and shimmy up and down like they were born with a silver curtain in their mouth.  I, on the other hand, quickly realized I was wildly inept at any of this for a number of reasons.  Here now — The Top 5 Things I Learned While Trying Aerial Fitness:

5) Those drapes in question are really called “silks”.  Heavy-duty pieces of smooth material that you hope to God hold up your fat ass when you’re two feet off the ground.  “These things will hold up to 350 pounds,” said the owner.  I would not want to be the guy weighing 349 pounds who tested that theory.

4) The students around me were quick learners.  They mastered the art of aerial fitness in five minutes flat.  What I learned after five minutes is that I have the upper body strength of an 11-year old girl.

3) Prepare to fall.  I did while attempting a basic back flip.  “This is a pretty rudimentary move,” said the instructor.  That was the last thing I heard before I plummeted a half-foot to my doom.  I even managed to roll off the protective mats below me on to the hard concrete floor.

2) You must resist the urge to punch the instructor in the throat when she says, “Use your core strength!”  At one point I was using my earlobes and a hangnail from my big toe to keep me upright.

And the most important thing I learned was 1) no matter how coordinated you look, it will only last 1.4 seconds.  I would manage to get myself in to whatever pretzel-licious position the instructor wanted, only to realize I couldn’t get myself out of it without some assistance.

So behold the story in all its glory (including my fall).  Mercifully they edited out the part of the story where one of the students said to me, “Man, I’ve seen paraplegics with more dexterity than you.”

Mmmmmhmmmmm.