Disclaimer: this story has no cultural, intellectual, or spiritual value whatsoever. It is, however, historically accurate.
Eight years ago this week, I was sitting in the parking lot of Big Steer in Altoona, Iowa with my bestie Lyra. We had just eaten our combined body weight in dead cow.
Mmm … cow.
It was approximately negative one million degrees outside. I had lost a glove, later recovered from a slush puddle near her car, where it had frozen into a commemorative ice relic. As I debated whether frostbite builds character, Deee-Lite’s “Groove Is in the Heart” came on Sirius XM.
Cue the serotonin.
Always a crowd favorite, my mood lightened and Lyra and I started singing along …
… as one does when a catchy bop is playing.
(It’s funny. I can’t remember where I parked my car after I get done grocery shopping, but I could tell you every word to this 1990 jam. It’s engrained in my essence.)
We are still parked. Still singing. Shockingly on key. Lady Miss Kier would have been proud.
Then it happens.
At the pivotal part where Bootsy Collins famously shouts “ASTRONOMICAL,” Lyra inexplicably yells something else entirely.
I looked at her and asked, “Wait … whut?”
She responds, “Whut?”
This exchange — not uncommon for us — escalates from confusion to mild irritation to the early stages of a legal dispute. I rewind the song. We try again.
When Bootsy’s riff pops up, Lyra confidently belts, “ASKYOURMOMMACALL.”
“What did you just say?” I asked.
“#AskYourMommaCall,” she repeats, with the conviction of someone testifying under oath.
“What does that even mean?” I quizzed.
She explains that Bootsy is very clearly saying ASK. YOUR. MOMMA. CALL. “You know, like, when you want your mom to call. Obviously.”
There was a moment — a split-second actually — where I doubted my own sanity and the actual lyrics. “Um, I think he’s saying ‘astronomical,’ dear,” I countered.
Lyra looks directly into my eyes and says, “Why would he say that? That’s dumb. It doesn’t even make sense.”
Reader, I lost my mind. “AND ASK YOUR MOMMA CALL DOES?!?”
Our first — and only — fight was now underway. Team Astronomical versus Team #AskYourMommaCall. No survivors.
I even pulled up the lyrics on my phone. It did not help. Facts were irrelevant.
So, let the record reflect that Bootsy Collins is, in fact, shouting for his mother to call. Or something. We do not know why. We do not know how. But we accept it.
Per the norm, Lyra was right. Again.
Thus, from this day forward, you are required — as many now do — to sing the lyric as intended: #AskYourMommaCall.
Profound. Prolific. Proactive.