Cravings Schmavings!


This whole yearlong no sugar/sweeteners/starches/gluten diet thingy I’ve been on has been a win-win-win-win thus far. How so, you ask?

*Win—it proves my inner fortitude (read that: sheer, unadulterated willpower to not eat sugar). I’m down 40 lbs. as of last week.

*Win—despite some pretty vicious cravings, my homicidal urges have finally dissipated.

*Win—thus far, this whole year has been one mental challenge after another. Instead of allowing a cupcake to solve my problems, I’ve had to deal with things the old-fashioned way: processing sh*t (instead of eating processed sh*t).

*Win—I had countless folks tell me I would fold like a cheap card table early on. God, how I love proving people wrong.

That being said, this blog is dedicated to all the foods I still obsess over—or miss—or crave—or fantasize about—or, oh, you get the idea. Don’t even get me started on all the food dreams either—yes, literal food dreams, people.

10) Crispy Crème Glazed Donuts—still warm, freshly glazed = immediate Pavlovian response. The store around the corner from my house closed up shop earlier this year. Coincidence? I think not. I was probably keeping them in business.

9) Potatoes. Preferably garlic-mashed and heaped with butter and extra garlic. Also, garlic. And butter. Heavy whipping cream optional.

8) A strawberry malt. I’ve never craved a strawberry malt in my life—that is, until I can’t have it. Now I’m drawn to Dairy Queen like a moth to flame.

7-5) Sticky pecan rolls. I mean, let’s give this breakfast pastry the reverence it deserves. If given the opportunity, I used to eat six of these in one sitting. The gooier, the better. Bonus points if the pecans are whole and affixed on top with a ridiculous amount of caramel goo. Mmmmm … goo.

4) Frosting. At this point, I would eat vanilla frosting right out of the can if I could. You know that scene in “Death Becomes Her” when Goldie Hawn is just shoveling frosting in her mouth while sitting around in a velour track suit? Yeah, that.

3) Flaming Hot Cheetos. See also #8. Never really had a thing for them before I started this diet, now they’re all I can think about. And now you’re thinking about ’em too. You’re welcome.

2) Pecan pie. No chocolate. No bourbon. I’m a purist. And I would like the whole pie to myself, thankyouverymuch.

1) Want to know the #1 thing I dream about eating? The thing I will likely inhale at 12:00:01 am on New Year’s Day 2020? It’s a slab of Jasper Mirabile’s Coconut Cake. (Not a slice. A slab, dammit.) I’m not sure what sort of magical trickery goes in to that recipe (bear lard? cocaine?), but I would gladly give up your first-born child to faceplant in Jasper’s famous homemade dessert. Recently, I called Jasper to inquire if had any freshly made coconut cake at his restaurant. His response? “Nope, we’re all out.” (He lied, of course. He’s a wise man who feels my pain.)

Do I miss sugar? Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. But last year around this time, I was also constantly having achy joint pains, acne and ever-present lethargy. Even though weight loss was never the goal in this experiment, forty pounds is still forty pounds, kids. As my friend Mithra reminds me (every 35 seconds), “This isn’t a lifestyle change. This is a lifechange.”

We’ll see. I still have six more months to go. I have faith I can do it. You should too. Wish me luck.