I’ve been cruising for 25 years. I’ve sailed enough nautical miles to learn a thing — or ten — about life aboard a floating city. Some lessons were learned the easy way. Others involved my wallet, my waistline, and a questionable decision involving a fourth dessert.

Here’s what works:

1. Ask every crew member, “How are you?” And mean it.

Three little words. That’s all it takes. These folks work incredibly hard, often for months at a time, and a little genuine kindness goes a long way. Most will smile, engage, and maybe even share a little about themselves. It’s a masterclass in congeniality, and it costs you precisely nothing.

2. Treat the ship’s medical center like the last resort it is.

Obvi, if you have severe symptoms or a genuine medical emergency, SEEK HELP. Immediately. 

Otherwise suck it up, people. Like, that broken bone better be a compound fracture before heading to the ship’s infirmary.

Why? Don’t assume a ship’s medical center operates like your neighborhood urgent care. Since the pandemic, illness protocols can be strict, and symptoms of a contagious illness may mean testing, isolation or quarantine. Policies vary by cruise line and situation, so ask about the rules rather than assuming a sniffle automatically earns you 24 hours in solitary confinement.

Nobody wants to spend vacation in their cabin watching the ocean through a porthole. Nobody.

3. Ask about unadvertised specials.

Yesterday, I went in for a beard trim and asked whether the spa had any promotions. Turns out, a men’s service came with a complimentary facial that day.

SCORE.

Never assume the posted price is the only deal available. Ask nicely, and you might discover a little onboard magic. My face is grateful.

4. Check your onboard account EVERY DAY.

Once a day. Maybe twice. Most charges are legitimate, but mistakes happen, and occasionally you’ll find something you don’t recognize. Catch it early, while guest services isn’t resembling the DMV on the day everybody’s driver’s license expires.

Trust me, you do NOT want to spend the final night of your cruise duking it out in a line with 500 of your closest disgruntled passengers.

5. Your stomach is not an all-you-can-eat challenge.

Cruise food is rich, decadent, and available approximately every seven minutes. There are buffets, specialty restaurants, room service, late-night snacks, and desserts that seem personally offended if you don’t try them.

I understand the temptation to be gluttonous. I really do.

But pace yourself. Drink water, eat some actual vegetables, and pay attention to how your body responds. If digestive enzymes or probiotics are part of your usual routine, pack them. Or consider taking ‘em with every meal. 

Pepto can be a traveler’s friend, too. But here’s a radical thought: You don’t actually have to eat everything just because it’s included.

I know. Blasphemy.

6. Ask what things cost BEFORE you order.

Cruises are masters of the upsell. That fancy cocktail outside your beverage package? Extra charge. That specialty restaurant? Extra charge. That little something you picked up in the onboard shop because you were bored? You get the idea.

An $8 or $10 cocktail doesn’t sound outrageous until you’ve ordered six of them — six days in a row. Suddenly, your bar tab costs more than your first car payment.

Enjoy the extras. Just know what you’re paying for.

7. Understand the tipping situation.

Most cruise lines add daily gratuities to your onboard account, and many services, including spa treatments and some room-service orders, may carry additional service charges. The amounts and policies vary by cruise line, so check before you sail.

You can often adjust tips or add extra gratuities, depending on the line’s policies. And if your room attendant has spent eight days picking up after your organizational shortcomings and turning your towels into works of art, a little extra appreciation is a lovely thing.

These crew members work HARD. Don’t forget that.

8. Don’t confuse cruise life with real life.

This might be the most important hack of all.

Something happens when people step aboard a ship. They lose track of time, abandon their budgets, order another drink, and suddenly decide they’re the sort of person who needs an $11,000 handmade Turkish rug. 

It’s vacation brain, kids.

Have fun. Splurge a little if you can afford it. Dance badly. Eat the dessert. Make memories. But remember that your credit card statement will follow you home, and your mortgage company doesn’t accept “I was on a cruise” as a payment plan.

Reality comes sailing back the minute you dock.

9. Leave room for the unexpected — but still get squared away.

Not every memorable cruise moment comes from an excursion you’ve booked six months in advance. Sometimes it’s a conversation with a crew member, a quiet corner of the ship, an unexpected port discovery or a spectacular sunset that makes you forget where you put your phone.

Don’t overplan every minute. (Mutliple days on bus tours = the worst.) Some of the best travel stories happen when you let the day unfold.

If you’re a big drinker, get the premium drink package. If you travel light, commit to the laundry service. And so forth and so on.

Heck, I always pack a big empty duffle bag that I can check on the way home for souvenirs, dirty clothes, and other sundry items.

10. Finally, be nice, be curious, and don’t be THAT passenger.

The crew isn’t your personal staff. Your fellow passengers aren’t extras in your vacation movie. And the buffet line is not a competitive sport.

Be patient. Say please and thank you. Follow the rules. Remember that thousands of people are sharing the same floating neighborhood, and everyone is trying to have a good time. 

After 25 years of cruising, here’s what I know: The best passengers aren’t necessarily the ones in the fanciest suites or the ones with the biggest beverage packages. They’re the ones who know how to enjoy themselves without making everybody else miserable.

Also — be advised! — no one on this ship will have any concept of spatial awareness. Accept that everyone will always be in your way — all the time.

Cruising is a glorious escape from everyday life. Just don’t escape so far that you forget how to behave when you get there.

Bon voyage, squad. Now go enjoy that cruise. And for the love of all things nautical, go check your onboard account — right now!