I am forever fascinated at those makeover shows where they take some haggard troglodyte and turn her in to a thing of beauty.  Women look better with make-up.  There.  I said it.  And it certainly wouldn’t hurt a few guys I know to wear a little concealer every once and awhile too.  Sheesh.  Prudes.

Back in high school, I was an overzealous member of the Drama Club.  (And if that comes as a big surprise … well, clearly, we’ve never met.)  During my infamous reign as a 17 year-old stage actor, I starred as a Chinese man (complete with un-PC bad teeth and horribly squinty, slanted eyes).   I also had a successful run as the Church Lady from “SNL”.  (My first and probably last time in drag.)  And a bunch of other hack roles   My point is, I thoroughly enjoyed dressing up and going out on stage with so much make-up on that you could carve your initials in my face.   To me make-up was the thing that said, “Hey, I’m on stage and WAY cooler than you.  I’m also melting underneath all these harsh lights.  And in about an hour my face is gonna look like a cake left out in the rain.  Jealous much?”

Last week during my stint at Halls, I learned the pros and cons of glam make-up.  Apparently, there are a lot of things that can go tragically wrong if you’re not careful.  One slip of the hand and you can go from bad to worse to Liza Minnelli.  I hovered over Halls’ make-up artist Lisa — watching her apply her magic on a model.  After about 30 seconds, I was insanely bored.  In those makeover shows, you get to see the before and after in about two minutes.  Who knew it took them three and a half days to complete the metamorphosis?!

This Halls webisode is by far my funniest.  I think the folks at Halls finally realized if you can’t beat ‘em … let ‘em run amuck.  (Or something like that.)  So I gave it my all.  And it helped that my skin looked flawless too.  You can thank MY make-up artist, Amy Hubbard for that.  She can take me from destitute and pox-marked to a shiny game show host in mere moments.  She can also tell just by looking at my skin exactly what and how much I had to drink the night before.  Well, that and it’s probably emanating from my pores.  There really is an art to putting your face on.  Cosmetics is a $50 billion industry, so obviously somebody is getting rich by all those creams, potions, lotions and ointments.

Hubbard … call me … I’ve got an idea.