I’m planning a trip to India this summer. I may have to abort the mission after talking to several friends who have gone there recently.
“Just plan on shitting yourself in public at least once while you’re over there,” said my friend Kelsey. “It’s gonna happen. You’re not gonna be able to stop it. Just accept it now.”
Apparently in India, there’s something infinitely worse that Mexico’s dreaded Montezuma’s Revenge. It’s called “Delhi Belly”… and it causes your entire lower intestine to fall out of your body, repeatedly.
“Might I suggest you always carry a role of toilet paper with you wherever you go,” Kelsey admonished me. “You never know when you’re going to have find an alley and pop a squat.”
I blinked in disbelief.
“Oh, and while we’re at it, I’d take your own towel,” she said in a very no-nonsense tone. “I don’t think they’ve ever heard of a little thing called ‘laundry services’ over there … at least not in the hotels I’ve stayed at.”
I quickly looked at my itinerary and to my relief noticed I was staying at Marriott hotels for a majority of the trip. Whew! Marriott practically INVENTED laundry.
Another one of my so-called friends told me that even though he got a barrage of inoculations, he still managed to get malaria. “Who knew I was supposed to take one of those stupid malaria pills EVERY day?” said my friend Todd. “It could have been worse I guess … I could have gotten dysentery.”
“Also,” he warned … “when you take the malaria pills, make sure you taken them with bottled water. Bottled water that still has the SEAL on it. Otherwise, your innards will dissolve.”
Joy.
My trip to India is still months away … and I’m already dreading all the things that could go wrong … either with my bowels or my bloodstream. I almost booked a trip to India a couple years ago … but then Mumbai suffered an outbreak of terrorism, so I quickly changed my plans.
My friend Mithra — who I’m going with on this excursion — has vowed nothing bad will occur. “What’s the worst that could happen,” she asked. “I mean … other than death?”