This week I battled what could possibly be the worst stomach flu of my life.  I joked about getting amoebic dysentery in India to lose weight, and since that didn’t happen, it’s clear I scored dysentery’s evil twin.  Even more clear?  I accidentally willed this upon myself.

You really can’t accomplish a lot of day-to-day activities when your lower intestines may fall out of your body at any moment.  So I patiently waited to get better … nursing my illness along with gallons of ginger ale to sooth my savage stomach.  It was to no avail.

I traipsed off to my doctor who informed me that, “Michael, it looks like you’ve got the crud … the crap … the ick.”  I was fine up until the point he said the “ick”, because I thought that was a fish disease.  Seems the last four patients he treated had the same symptoms, so it was, indeed, going around.

Having the stomach flu while being a television host is a challenge in and of itself.  You don’t want to worry the crew that you’re going to exorcist vomit at any moment.  And yet you want to make them aware, lest they somehow impede your path to the bathroom during a commercial break, or worse DURING an actual on-camera interview.  This is literally what I thought was going to happen.  Poor, poor weatherman … I feel your pain.

I managed to make it through my shows this week incident-free.  Although there was a moment when I was interviewing Bobcat Goldthwait where I nearly tossed my cookies.  There was a chef cooking up something off to my immediate left, just off-camera.  I think it was macaroni and cheese, normally a fave of mine.  But when you’re battling violent nausea, it could possibly be the worst smelling dish in the history of cooking.

Like anything, there are pros and cons to having the stomach flu from hell.  The cons? I had to carry around extra pair of underwear with me for the last three days.  And I have now been privy to what labor pains must feel like.  The pros?  I’m now easily under 200lbs. for the first time in a long time.  I’ve dropped 11 pounds in the last two days. Yes, I know it’s water weight, people, but let’s not burst my happiness bubble.  Another pro?  It’s given me an excuse to do nothing the last couple days.  Maybe this stomach flu was my body’s way of saying slow the eff down.

I’m on the mend now … thanks for your concern.  Better living through chemistry.  I still have zero appetite … so maybe I can squeeze another 4-6 pounds out of this before I start eating again.  Score!