I have an abnormally big ass.  There, I said it.  And it felt good.  Like I should be admitting it in a 12-step program or something.

My butt is big and bulbous and ample and out there.   I’m the first to admit that I’m trapped in the body of a black girl.  Is it genetic?  Doubtful.  None of my family suffers from “big ass-itis”.  But there it is for the world to see … and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.   Trust me, I’ve tried.  It’s a butt with a mind of its own.

I first noticed my prolific posterior when I was playing soccer.  I played ball for nine years, which helped develop my legs in to solid tree trunks.  (I’m still proud of my gams and tend to wear my shorts a little shorter than I should.  Hey, it’s called accentuating the positive.)  But somewhere in my soccer years, my butt became legendary.  It has its own zip code.  I put the maximus in gluteus.

I distinctly remember going shopping for a suit in my formative teen years.  The sales clerk said, “Wow, your ass has an ass.”  I still hear that reverberating off the walls at night.

After years of covering it with oversized sweaters or long-ish sport coats, I’ve learned to embrace my buttocks.  And by embrace, I mean ignore.  It’s the one part of my body I really can’t see unless I’m surrounded by funhouse mirrors or standing in a dressing room.  I now avoid both.

If that skank Kim Kardashian can parlay her titanic tushy in to a weekly reality show, why can’t I?  If Al Gore can win an Oscar with his behemoth backside, why can’t I?

I hired a personal trainer once to decrease the overall mass of my ass.  I did every possible exercise to slim down my bum, including a God-awful lot of cardio.  (To this day, I despise the Stairmaster with ever fiber of my being.)  I ended up losing a healthy amount of weight and was impressed with the results … save for my butt.  It had managed to remain bootylicious.  The trainer said, “Have you considered lipo?”  I spun around in a huff … fully aware that I knocked him into several stationary bikes.

For the most part I use my big butt for powers of good, but occasionally it becomes a weapon of ass, er, mass destruction.   Never say I didn’t warn you …