Lis’sen … cruising is not for the faint of heart. You are surrounded by a crush of humanity on an ocean liner — and, inevitably, there is always someone in your way to get a soft serve cone or impeding you getting off the elevator on your floor.

But after ten cruises, I have some thoughts. Heed them or don’t. I am merely sharing what keeps me sane on the high seas.

20) Fashion schmashion, people. Wear sensible shoes. You’re gonna do an obscene amount of walking on excursions or traipsing through cobblestoned cities of lore. I bought two of the ugliest pairs ever created but, boy, were they comfy. Like, plush-comfy. Nine ports and not a single foot mutiny.

19) Don’t skimp — invest in some quality digestive enzymes or probiotics. You are about to consume enough decadent food to cripple a medieval king. Trust and believe, those magical little pills will ensure you can — as they say — trust a fart.

18) Slip your cabin steward or butler $20 bucks the minute you lay eyes on each other. You will be rewarded in spades … or towel origami or whatever. It’s the magic number for surprise perks. Crabby neighbor across the hall won’t know what hit her.

17) Whatever you are into, there’s a themed cruise for it. Jazz lovers. Soap opera devotees. Hair metal fans. Furries. Someone out there has chartered your dream vacation. And yes, you might end up brushing shoulders with Tony-winning divas or chart-topping authors.

16) If the cruise is longer than three days, splurge and get the balcony. Yes, you can do a cruise inexpensively purchasing an interior tomb cabin on a lower floor. It’s also stuffy, cramped, and pitch black in your room. If you’re part vampire, enjoy. If not, fresh air and vitamin C can solve everything else.

15) Just so you know, mid-ship rooms on the middle deck are ideal for minimizing motion sickness. Lower decks mean less sway (and often lower costs.) The higher the deck, the more rockin’ and rollin’ you’ll do if the ocean gets angry.

14) The ship will not wait for you if you’re late. Let me repeat — the ship will not wait for you. One more time: the. ship. will. not. wait. for. you. Unless you’re on an official excursion, consider yourself expendable.

13) Keep track of the time, dammit. My last cruise crossed three time zones and people missed excursions, spa appointments, and probably their will to live. If your phone is confused, check the cruise channel on your TV for the correct time. (See also #24.)

12) Book things early to save money. The cruise industry is just that … an industry. Everything onboard is priced like they think you are a Vanderbilt. Buy the packages and upgrades ahead of time so you are not nickel and dimed into oblivion.

11) Speaking of, whatever internet deal the cruise line is offering before you board, order it. Don’t think twice, especially if you need to stay connected to the outside world or have a cell phone carrier who still penalizes you for international roaming charges.

10) Keep fabric softener sheets in bountiful supply. Unless you pay for laundry services on-board, you’re comin’ home with a bunch of sour/spoiled/dirty clothes. When you return, your suitcase will be ripe. Line your suitcase with softener sheets so future you does not gag when you unpack. Hell, I stuff a mini-handful in my luggage before I put it away for my next adventure. Trust me on this one.

9) Four words: Get. Premium. Travel. Insurance. This is mandatory. And make sure medical in included. Non-negotiable, people. My friend Brenda fell and broke her shoulder on day one. The insurance company swooped in to help. Yes, insurance company and swooped in — in the same sentence.

8) Capsule wardrobe … for the win. Mix. Match. Keep it light. I say this every cruise and then overpack like I am fleeing the country — literally. Do better than I do.

7) There’s no wrong way or right way to cruise. Be a sloth. Do all the excursions. Read a book for six hours. Overplan until your spreadsheets have spreadsheets. Just do not travel with someone who is your exact opposite unless you want to commit a homicide.

 6) If you prefer spontaneous sightseeing, excursions will feel like military drills. Efficient but exhausting. After multiple days of being marched around, I hopped on a hop-on, hop-off bus in Cádiz. Cheesy? Absolutely. Did anyone yell at me for lollygagging? Not once. It was bliss.

5) Join online cruise groups. They are treasure troves of tips, gossip, hacks and occasionally unhinged rants. Even seasoned travelers like me learn something new.

4) Once you cruise, you’ll forever be on some travel database somewhere. Use it to your advantage. Look at seasonal sales. Sniff around for low deposits and flexible cancellation rules. Plan for 2026 and 2027 like the savvy traveler you are.

3) Ship age matters. Look ’em up accordingly. Older ships are often smaller and more limited even if they have been refreshed. My ship was lovely but seasoned. It showed its age. But it gave me nine ports in ten days which is basically unheard of these days. Tomato (long A), tomato (short A).

2) If you’re crowd adverse, there’s always workarounds. Case in point? Dine at five o’clock in the main dining room and sail past the masses. If you get hungry again later, the buffet will be ready to receive you like the peckish, carb-loving royalty you are.

1) And if I leave you with nothing else, remember this … arrive a day or two early! It will prevent travel delay disasters. Enjoy the port city. For example, Lisbon was one of the highlights of our entire trip. Explore. Get lost. Inhale pastries. Inhale more pastries. (Or, if you’re like me, eat your weight in Lisbon’s famous egg tarts.) Bonus — you can recover from jet lag like a civilized human!