If you haven’t met my mom, Bev, a.k.a. “The Bevinator” or “Bev-erage”, well, you’re missing out.

She puts the no in no-nonsense.  The mean in well meaning.  And she’s felled many a lesser individual with a single furtive glance.  She’s the sole reason why I became such a strong black woman … I learned it by watching her.

Unbeknownst to the general public, she is well known for her pearls of wisdom.  Many of which are worthy of sharing on this Mother’s Day Weekend.

1) “One, Two, Three, Drop Where You Be”.  This is not only a magical rhyme that I heard growing up, it was Mom’s passive-aggressive way of reminding me to pick up my toys, clothes or various other sundry items that I may have inadvertently left in her way.

2) “Asshole!”  While my mom doesn’t swear, she does use this term of endearment to describe just about anyone who may displease her.  She’ll bark it at the TV when enraged by a politician or hurl it at a driver who has incurred her wrath on the road.  When she’s truly inspired she’ll pepper it in to a sentence two or three times for dramatic effect, such as:  “That’s right, you asshole.  I called you an asshole, ASSHOLE!”

3) “What … are … you … DOING?” Because my mom is master of all she surveys, she’ll often point out certain things that are not done to her specifications.  Of course, she’ll ask you what you’re doing first, in a braying manner, because that’s the polite thing to do.  But by her tone you’ll know that regardless of whatever you’ve done, you’ll soon be doing it over.

4) “DINNER!” After hearing this exclamation, you have approximately 30 seconds to get your sorry butt to the table before my mom loses her ever-lovin’ mind.  If you dawdle, even in the slightest, my mom will have a conniption fit and laser beams will shoot out of her eyeballs and melt a hole in your stomach.  Think I’m kidding?  I dare you to test my theory.

And 5) “I’m WATCHING that!”  My mom never sleeps.  Oh sure, she may be reclined on the couch with her mouth agape and eyes closed, but she is still fully aware of everything going on around her.  If, God forbid, you should try and change the channel or lower the volume on her TV, she will suddenly spring wide awake and chastise you for taking the remote.  And heaven help anyone who gets in the way of a “Waltons” marathon.

So here’s to you, Mom.  It’s your day.

You don’t have to lift a finger if you don’t want to.  The world will cater to your every whim.  And everyone will spend the next 24 hours trying to win you over.  But really, how is that different than any other day?  You’re the most … to say the least.