Remember that old saying, “If it’s too loud … you’re too old”?  Well, I just spent 30 minutes shopping with a friend of mine at Abercrombie & Fitch today.  I was in the store for less than 45 seconds before my head nearly exploded.   They were playing Techno Xmas music at ear-splitting decibels.

I would have complained, but didn’t see a single sales associate for the entire half hour.  It was as if the store was secretly a dance club that happened to feature trendy clothes on the side.

My friend Christian turned to me and said something that sounded like, “Cow fuzz is my book’s enemy.”  At least that’s what I gleaned by reading his lips.  Yes, the music was that loud.  Turns out he said, “How does this look on me?”

I’m not sure when Abercrombie & Fitch decided to blare their music to unhealthy levels, but it has inspired me never to shop there again.  Well, that and I AM, indeed, too old.  I haven’t worn college-esque apparel in over fifteen years, although I’m sure I would still look amazing in it.

After we left and my ears had stopped bleeding, I asked my friend if he thought the music was ridiculously loud.  My friend informed me that stores like that play ear-piercing music to drive out adults.  (Uh, goal achieved.)  Kids are apt to spend more $$$ if they are allowed to shop freely with their parents’ credits cards.  That was a brilliant theory.  Not sure if it’s true, but it’s an amazing premise.  Plus, you can’t spell Abercrombie and Fitch without “d-e-a-f”.

Five stores down we visited Hollister’s … a retail establishment that looks (and sounds) suspiciously like a poor man’s A&F.   This time I could hear the thump-thump of the music from OUTSIDE the store.  I was going to go in, but aborted at the last minute.    Why?  1) Because I don’t wear hoodies and 2) because I couldn’t maintain my balance.  Seems my eardrums had both exploded in A&F and it was throwing off my equilibrium.   Pity.

So as the holiday shopping season gears up, remember to take your earplugs.  Or just bring along an elderly person with an itemized list.  They can turn their hearing aids off before entering.  I’m considering writing a letter to the fine folks at A&F telling them my thoughts on the subject, but I figure it will fall on deaf ears.  Figuratively and literally.