Sugar—I’ll Miss You Most Of All

Remember when Dorothy leans in and gives Scarecrow a hug and says, “I think I’ll miss you most of all?” Well, first of all—how rude to do that in front of the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man? If I were them, I woulda been like, “Bitch, we can hear you!”

Beginning tomorrow—in a willpower-test-of-mental-prowess-loss-of-sanity sort of way, I’m giving up sugar for an entire year. Yup, no sugar, no sweeteners, no starches, no gluten—no kidding. (Technically, I’m starting today, but given that I’m not getting my bloodwork done until tomorrow morning, I feel like that’s my official starting point.)

What will I miss most of all? That’s like asking which of my children do I like the best—and, keep in mind, I have no offspring. My love affair with sugar is well documented. I haven’t turned down a dessert since the Reagan era. I buy Halloween candy to give out knowing full well I haven’t had a single trick-or-treater in over fifteen years. When the barista asks, “Do you want whipped cream on this?”, I scream, “DUH! AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!”

So this blog is an ode to all the things I can’t have in 2019. I figure if I give them the proper sendoff they deserve, my cravings will dissipate just that much quicker. (Wishful thinking, I’m sure.)

5) Pecan pie. I’m not sure when I discovered pecan pie in all its gooey glory, but it’s become a staple in my life from Labor Day through the end of every year. Sure, I’ll manage to choke down a slice of Coconut Crème or Pedestrian Pumpkin, but, for me, homemade pecan pie is like the mother ship calling me home. Hyper-rich, decadent, laden with every kind of sugar, syrup and molasses imaginable. It’s diabetes—in a pie tin.

4) White frosted cake donuts with sprinkles on top. Nope, I don’t need anything fancy-schmancy. No cookies and cream donuts. Nothing jelly filled. Gimme a simple cake donut, white frosting, ample sprinkles. And back the truck up, please. One of ‘em just won’t cut it. They’re like potato chips. I read somewhere that cake donuts have the carbo-equivalent of eating eleven slices of bread. No wonder I’m so enamored of them.

3) Anything with peanut butter and chocolate. If you offer me chocolate by itself, I will often turn my nose up at it. Slather it with PB and you can inject in directly into my veins. I think the Chocolate/Peanut Butter combo was a staple of my youth. I could sustain life on Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. It’s also my sweet treat of choice in the candy bowl. Cake-form, pie-form, pastry-form, pudding-form, sundae-form … yeah, I’ll miss that delectable combo. And don’t even get me started on my obsession with my Aunt Barb’s homemade Scotcheroos. I may cry.

2) Frosted sugar cookies. (See also #4. I think frosting may be my nemesis.)

And the #1 thing I won’t be able to live without, but am gonna try my damndest? Any sort of sugar-laden, hyper-sweet coffee drink. The thought of forging through life without any sort of caffeinated, caramel Frappuccino in my hand is almost too much for me to handle. However, those suckers are caloric/sugar-bombs. Giving up eating sweets will give me pause. Giving up drinking my Crème Brulee latte, however? Well, you might as well back up the Struggle Bus and run me over with it several times. I can’t pass by a Starbucks without breaking out in a cold sweat.

Life is a journey. Sugar is an addiction. Let’s see what I can do to find a happy medium and come out a better person in 2020. Whatever the case, I’ll be writing about it as I go along: the good, the bad and the homicidal rages.

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