Things I’ve learned … by trial and error.  (Uh, mostly error.)

Three little words:

I have a severe, rapier wit that most people don’t get.  I’m quick with a quip and vicious with a comeback.   But did you know that you can get away with almost anything provided you say “God love ya'” or “Bless their heart” after it?  For instance, if you call someone a skank-ass ‘ho, it might offend someone.   However, if you add “bless their heart” after it, it softens said insult.  “Keri Ann … grrrrl, you is a skank-ass ‘ho … bless your heart.”  See what I mean?   One snarky comment can be rendered cute, fun and harmless with the right tag line.

Don’t be hatin’:

If you have an arch-enemy or arch-nemesis, tell no one.  It’s much easier to go through life without people knowing how much you despise someone.  If someone knows you have a particular loathing for a certain individual, they’ll latch on to it immediately.  WHY don’t you like so and so?  HOW come you and XXX don’t get along?  It gets annoying really.   Instead of hating on someone, ignore them.  I mean, completely look right through them like they don’t exist.  They’ll get the memo, and your friends will be none the wiser.

Learn how to cry on cue:

I can cry at the drop of a hat.  If there’s a sappy Hallmark commercial, I’ll cry.  If I cut onions, more waterworks.  Never does this trick come in more handy than when I get pulled over for speeding.   To date, I’ve been pulled over nine times and have managed to get out of eight tickets because of uncontrollable (albeit fake) sobbing.   Learn how to cry people.  Crocodile tears work wonders.

Be nice to every server, bartender, doorman, taxi driver and concierge you run into:

Take it from someone who schlepped food for 15+ years … the nicer you are to me, the more I go out of my way to cater to or help you.   If you are even the slightest bit rude, I’ll poison your food … or worse.   And I’m a relatively easy-going, congenial person by nature.  Think of all the hardened, bitter service professionals out there who are treated rudely by people on a daily basis.  You might not know it, but they will get back at you if it’s the last thing they do.   Trust me, I know.  Greet every person no matter how big or small with a pleasant smile, friendly demeanor and eye contact, especially if they can make your life a living hell in some small way.

The more you know.  And you’re welcome.