Yesterday I got asked to be the guest speaker at a group of, uh, professional speakers. The organization is called “Toastmasters” where like-minded individuals get together and practice their prose in front of their peers.  (Had I actually said that last line instead of typing it, I likely would have gotten demerits for using too many “P”-words in a sentence.  I’m sure one of their rules is to avoid alliteration.  Ahem.)

This was not my first foray into public speaking.  I emcee one or two events a month, so I have no problem getting up in front of people and being a Chatty Cathy.  What I didn’t expect is that I was going to be graded last night.  Toastmasters actually keep a running tally of all the times you say, “Uh” or “Um” in your speech.  They also scrupulously mark down when you use filler words … which I’m notorious for.  And while I didn’t actually hear anyone audibly groan when I started a sentence with “Soooo, anyhoo …”, I did see a couple of ’em flinch.  I’m just gonna assume they had nervous tics to begin with …

Had I known what I was getting in to, I would have had a prepared speech.  I was under the guise I was speaking to teenagers for some reason.  Um, oops.  But per the norm, anytime I get up in front of people, I tend to just wing it.  For the record, this is not a group that takes kindly to “winging it”, so to speak.  Although I’d like to think I had them eating out of the palm of my hand at certain points of my oh-so riveting speech about the perils of TV stardom.  But, uh, I could be totally wrong.  (And, yes, I know I just typed “uh” … get over it.)

The group was very affable (when they weren’t, um, flinching) and thanked me profusely for coming to their organization.  It was amazing and a little jaw-dropping to watch the Toastmasters do their thing.  In one of the exercises, the T-Masters were given a poem or topic and then one of them was chosen to expound upon that subject on the fly.  Imagine being called to the front of the room to talk about something you’re wholly unfamiliar with and trying to sound poised and articulate.  One gentleman gave a blissful two-minute soliloquy on a Kurt Vonnegut poem he had heard fifteen seconds before getting behind the podium.  I was wildly impressed at his on-the-spot elocution. Toastmasters are really like the Improv Olympics From Hell (except the T-Masters are a lot less hyper-critical).

At the beginning of the meeting, there was a word of the day that was supposed to be used — when warranted — in everyone’s speeches.  That word?  Perspicuity.  (It has to do with being “clear and lucid” in your thoughts.)  Now, I’d like to think I’m a bit of a wordsmith, but I’d never heard of this bon mot and was nearly stumped when trying to use it in my, um, unprepared speech.

All in all, it was a delightful, albeit nerve-wracking, experience.  Guess I have a lot to learn when it comes to being behind a podium.  And about maintaining a heightened sense of perspicuity when I’m speaking.   At least I didn’t say “gooder”, right?

Soooooo, anyhoo …