Being a director, I hang out with a lot of beautiful creatures.  Sometimes they are skilled actors who need little or no direction.  But 9 out of 10 times, they are models POSING as actors.  I liken it to when Michael Jordan decided to play professional baseball, not his best move.

Actors are self-aware.  They know their role.  Models, meanwhile, are too busy looking at shiny things to notice where they are in the room.  I’ve seen models, literally, run in to walls because they weren’t paying attention.  Someday that will prove unfortunate when they stride out in to oncoming traffic.  So much for that facial disfigurement clause in their contract.

Male models are a slightly different breed.   Typically, they are, at a minimum – pleasant.   They like to cluster together and talk about whatever it is male models talk about.  Afghanistan?  Global warming?  Aveda’s new apricot facial scrub?  It’s like a Mensa meeting of hottentots.

Models will come in handy from time to time.  Occasionally, I’ll hold mass auditions  to find new talent.   The last time I had a cattle call, tragedy struck.  Here’s the timeline:

At 9am, the studio was overrun with pretty people rehearsing their lines.  At approximately 9:05 am, I was reaching to grab a script and sneezed.  And promptly threw out my back.  Mind you, this wasn’t just a slight tweak in my lower lumbar.  This was a complete, uncontrollable spasm that made me do a face-plant directly in to the floor.  I folded like a cheap card table.  I dropped like a sack of potatoes.  I collapsed like Enron.  Oh, you get the idea.

You haven’t really lived until you’ve had pretty people come to your rescue.  Some (including my crew) thought I was having a heart attack.  Others thought I had a stroke.  Most, however, assumed I was just another actor practicing for a dramatic reading.  But there I was curled up in the fetal position and poised to black out from the pain at any second.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite THAT bad … but when you’re in a room filled with models pretending to be thespians, you typically have to trump their ace.  Somehow I managed to get through the day in semi-debilitating pain.  I’m no fool.  I immediately called a massage therapist and then proceeded to take a few muscle relaxers.  Believe me, those muscle relaxers are so strong even the unattractive models immediately got better looking.

That was definitely one of those days where I was humbled by the kindness of strangers.  And after an entire weekend of nursing my back along and catering to its every whim, I’m starting to feel human again.  And, yes, I am replacing my director’s chair with an ergonomic kneeling chair.  Thanks for caring.