In case you happen to travel to Germany in the near future, here are a few simple suggestions on how to make your stay more pleasant.   Believe me, I have tried my best to endear myself to the locals … and have failed miserably.  Learn from my mistakes people.  Don’t be a versager.  (That’s German for “loser.”)

1) If you go to a restaurant, any restaurant, mind you, please eat every damn thing they bring you.  No exceptions.  Yesterday I left a half a piece of asparagus and a small piece of fatty gristle on my plate and the waitress asked, rather somberly, why I didn’t like my meal.   I tried to explain to her the meal was delightful, but she didn’t buy it.  I’m sure she told the chef I was a hateful, uncouth American.  (PS.  Dinners are often 3-4 hour “experiences”.)

2) No matter how much you want to say hello to someone, do not.  Avoid pleasantries at any cost.  If you absolutely MUST show some sort of kindness towards another human, you may make eye contact for .02 seconds and no more.  I waved at a mom and her cute kid and my friend Christian had to explain to them that I was mildly retarded.  She nodded and gave me a half-hearted look of compassion.  Or maybe it was disdain.   In Germany it’s hard to tell.

3) When traveling on the Autobahn, you’re allowed to go at any speed you want.  There is no speed limit.  Christian tends to drive his sassy Mini Cooper at Mach 4.  “This car can go 125mph before it starts to tear apart,” Christian said smugly.  Consequently, we drive at approximately 123-124mph everywhere we go.  In Germany, an exit ramp is  called an “ausfahrt”.  Because I’m an overgrown 12-year old, I like to call it “assfart”.  This is only funny to the person driving about two or three times.  After the fifth time the person driving will try to shove you out of the car.

4) Germans are superior to Americans in every way, shape and form, at least accordingly to Germans.  When you are in this country, you must swallow your pride and go along with this mindset.  Germans have the best cars, the best watches, the best sausage, the best … oh, you get the idea.  The sun shines brighter over here.  The water is imminently more drinkable.  The flowers smell better.  Cats are trainable.  And no one ever has flatulence.  Or warts.  Ask any German, these are all easily provable facts.

5) If and when you master the German language, please note that you can have no inflection or intonation in your voice when you speak.  None.  Nada.  Zip.  Every word, syllable or utterance should be barked out like a mean drill sergeant.  I said, “Guten morgen!” to the innkeeper this morning with a pleasant lilt in my voice and smile on my face.  The entire dining hall stopped eating.  People dropped their forks.  Babies started crying.  One elderly woman fainted.  Lesson learned.

There you go, I hope these helpful tips will ensure your next trip to Germany is successful.  And by successful, I mean, you don’t end up being chastised and/or mocked by any native countrymen.