An English accent can be gorgeous.  That being said … there are 402,659 different dialects in this damn country.  Most of my relatives speak proper “Queen’s English” … the version you’re used to hearing out of the mouths of Simon Cowell and/or The Beckham’s.  Then there are the other versions … each more complicated than the last. 

The Cockney accent, followed closely by the Geordie accent, have quickly become the bane of my existence.  I can’t just listen to a conversation.  I actually have to pay attention to what British people are saying to me.  It’s like listening to a foreign language.  I liken it to watching the movie “Snatch”, sans subtitles.  (And, yes, I get that Brad Pitt has an Irish accent … but this is far worse.  I mean, delightful.) 

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-0_sL5AAVQ&feature=related

I find it endearing that my family has virtually no “T” in their vocabulary.  If Cockney blokes drop their “H’s”, my relatives avoid the letter T like the plague.  (Note the two words above.  They would say “vir-ually” and “rela-ives” when reading that sentence … er, “sen-ence”.

On this trip I’ve paid particular (“par-icular”) attention to some of their slang phrases.  Here now an English to American translation:

“Shut yer gob, you wanker!” = “Please keep quiet, my friend.”

“Weh wuh weh?” =  “Where were we?”

“Mind, she is an ugly sod.” =  “Kim Kardashian IS attractive, yes?”

“Hoy-a hamma owaer” = “Throw your hammer over.”

“Shite!” = “Gosh darn!”

“Bloody hell, she’ll trip over her face.” = “Why the sad expression, dah-ling?”

For several years, I thought my relatives were always irritated.  Or annoyed.  Or miffed.  Or all three.  Turns out the word “pissed” means to be drunk.  Or wasted.  Or blotto.  Or all three.  Every time they said, “I was so pissed last night”, I’d immediately think they got in to a fight with someone.  Turns out they did, but pissed meant something altogether different.  Usually involving ale.  Or beer.  Or lager.  Or all three.

It takes me about two weeks to deprogram myself from speaking like a proper British bloke.  I wish Madonna had that problem.  Her fake British accent is God-awful.