Ten days. Thirty-five of my closest Kansas City friends. Multiple countries. Thousands of stairs. Millions of calories. And enough cheese to make a Wisconsin dairy farmer weep with joy.

Hosting a Mediterranean cruise is a blast. Being the unofficial excursion host, cruise director, human GPS, and occasional Pied Piper to 35 people is also an education. I learned a few things along the way. Some are useful. Others are things you can’t unlearn, no matter how hard you try.

Let’s recap.

1. Quince is the unsung hero of Mediterranean travel.

Quince is a fruit you’ll find throughout this part of the world. Think fig-adjacent, but with a secret superpower. It can help keep things moving, if you catch my drift.

After 10 days of cheese boards, pastries, pasta, gelato, and other foods that could bring your digestive system to a screeching halt, a little dietary assistance is welcome.

You’re welcome for this important public service announcement. I am nothing if not a travel professional.

2. Italian seagulls are mutants with wings.

Yesterday in Venice, I was walking with two friends when we encountered what I can only describe as a flock of feathered prehistoric monsters.

These aren’t the cute little seagulls you see at the lake. These are pterodactyl-sized, mutant flying garbage disposals with absolutely no respect for personal property.

There’s an Italian superstition that being pooped on by a bird brings good luck. Both of my friends got hit.

I did not.

I’ll take my chances with the bad luck, thank you very much. I’m not about to let a bird the size of a small aircraft christen me in the name of fortune.

3. Personal space is apparently an optional concept on a cruise.

For 10 straight days, people have been impeding my progress everywhere I go.

And I’m looking at you, folks 75 and up.

Somehow, people can walk directly into your path, stop without warning, block an entire passageway, and then look surprised when someone attempts to get around them. It’s as if spatial awareness was an optional elective they skipped in school.

I have developed an almost supernatural ability to anticipate a sudden stop, a sideways shuffle, or a full-scale human traffic jam.

When I get home, I look forward to walking down a sidewalk without wanting to shove someone down a flight of stairs.

Figuratively, of course.

Mostly.

4. The best excursions are the ones you plan to avoid other tourists.

Next time, I’m doing a dizzying amount of research before we leave. I’m also going WAY, WAY off the beaten path.

One of my friends, Jarred, had reached his limit with humanity by the final day of the cruise. His solution? Charter a speedboat and get us as far away from the other shipgoers as humanly possible.

It was the literal highlight of the trip.

A secluded beach in Split. Catered service. Cater waiters. Esoteric electronic music. Water so impossibly turquoise and clear that you could see straight to the bottom.

No crowds. No excursion flags. No 47 people trying to photograph the same thing while standing directly in front of you.

Just sunshine, swimming, good friends, and the glorious realization that you can, in fact, enjoy a Mediterranean paradise without sharing it with the population of a small Midwestern city.

Jarred, I owe you one.

5. Your shoes matter more than your outfit.

Yesterday, I walked 30,000 steps in Venice.

Thirty. Thousand.

I have never walked 30,000 steps in a single day in my entire life. I suspect my Fitbit thought I was being held hostage.

I accomplished this feat wearing a pair of hideously unattractive but wildly comfortable shoes I bought last year for a trip Morocco.

Were they fashionable? Absolutely not.

Did they keep me moving while tourists in expensive sandals limped toward the nearest pharmacy? You bet your sweet bippy.

The lesson is simple: When you’re traveling, pack for the trip you’re taking, not the Instagram photo you’re hoping to post.

Your feet don’t care if your shoes are cute. Your feet care if they can still function after hour nine.

6. Venice is a whole thing. And Marco Polo comes with family drama.

Venice is the birthplace of Marco Polo, the 13th-century explorer who traveled to Asia. But the juiciest story isn’t about his travels. It’s about his alleged wife, Hao Dong, said to have been a Chinese princess who followed him back to Venice.

According to local legend, Marco’s sisters weren’t exactly welcoming. When he was captured by the Genoese in 1298, one of them supposedly told Hao Dong he was dead. Heartbroken, Hao Dong took her own life.

Is it historically verified? Nope. It’s a tragic Venetian legend, and there’s no reliable evidence that Hao Dong even existed. But apparently, medieval family drama was every bit as messy as a modern holiday dinner.

And all these years, we’ve been yelling “Marco!” and “Polo!” in swimming pools without knowing any of this. For the record, the pool game has no proven connection to the explorer or his tragic alleged love story.

History lesson complete. You’re welcome.

7. Every Mediterranean city has a castle. Sometimes several.

Athens has the Acropolis. Rhodes has its medieval Old Town and Palace of the Grand Master. Dubrovnik has its mighty city walls and fortress-like defenses. And everywhere you turn, there’s another ancient structure with a story that dates back hundreds, if not thousands, of years.

At some point, though, you have to ask yourself: How many castles does one person actually need to see?

I’ve come to embrace the philosophy that if you’ve seen one castle, you’ve seen them all.

I realize historians and architecture enthusiasts may disagree. They can write me a strongly worded email from inside their favorite castle.

I’ll be over here enjoying a mocktail.

8. A few other things I learned along the way.

Athens will humble you. Between the ancient ruins, the hills, and the history layered into every corner, you quickly realize that some civilizations were getting an awful lot accomplished while the rest of the world was still figuring things out.

Santorini is spectacular, but the postcard version doesn’t tell the whole story. The blue domes, whitewashed buildings, and caldera views are every bit as gorgeous as advertised. So are the crowds, especially when multiple cruise ships arrive. Go early-early, explore beyond the busiest viewpoints, and find a quiet spot to appreciate the scenery before someone else’s selfie stick enters your personal airspace.

Mykonos is a reminder that whitewashed buildings and blue accents never go out of style. It’s also a reminder that a good coffee, a little shopping, and a generous helping of pistachio yogurt and baklava can make just about any day better.

Ephesus is a history lover’s dream. Walking through an ancient city where people lived, worked, traded, and worshipped thousands of years ago puts modern life into perspective. Also, if you’re visiting archaeological sites, wear shoes that can handle uneven stone. See item No. 5.

Dubrovnik looks like it was designed by someone who wanted to create the world’s most photogenic medieval city. The city walls are remarkable, the Adriatic is gorgeous, and the Old Town has enough winding streets to keep you entertained — and occasionally lost — for hours.

And Split? Split reminded me that sometimes the best travel experience isn’t another monument, museum, or guided tour. Sometimes it’s a boat, a beach, good friends, and absolutely nowhere you need to be.

Finally … hosting 35 people is a special kind of adventure.

Here’s the thing about being the host with the most or whatever official-sounding title we’re giving this gig.

You want everyone to have a great time. You want people to experience the best of each destination. You want the logistics to work, the group to stay together, and nobody to accidentally board a ferry headed to a different country.

But you also have to accept that 35 people will have 35 different ideas about what makes a perfect day.

Some want history. Some want shopping. Some want adventure. Some want to find the nearest bar and stay there until dinner.

And some are simply trying to figure out where the heck everyone went. (IYKYK.)

There were moments when I felt like I was herding cats across an international border. There were other moments when I looked around at my group laughing, exploring, eating, and making memories together and thought, How lucky are we?

Because that’s the real payoff.

Not the itinerary. Not the number of countries checked off a list. Not even the bragging rights that come with walking 30,000 steps in shoes that should probably be classified as a crime against fashion.

It’s the people.

The final tally?

Thirty-five Kansas Citians. Ten days. Multiple countries. Countless meals. A truly irresponsible amount of cheese. More gelato than any cardiologist would recommend. One very successful escape from humanity on a speedboat in Split. And enough memories to keep us talking until our next adventure.

Speaking of, I’ll be announcing my 2027 cruise in early December. Nothing is inked. Nothing is confirmed. But I have it on good authority that it will come with a fjord or two. 

So, until the next wingding, friends.

I’m off to find a salad.

And definitely a bigger belt.