Everyone, this is Glen.  Glen, this is everyone.

Glen lives in Belton, Missouri.  He recently had his blue truck painted John Deere green.  He enjoys his prime rib medium rare.  Throw in a baked potato … and it’s heaven.  He has a couple pets he hates, including a bird.  His favorite five words according to him?  Ay yi yi yi yi.  He’s Mexican … so that’s standard, again, according to him.  Glen has a penchant for older, unattractive women … MUCH older women.  (More on that later.)  Glen’s area code is 602.  He can’t remember the rest of the numbers, however.

Glenn is also a complete and total douchebag.

I know all these things because I was forced to sit in front of Glen on a 3-hour flight from San Diego.  It was the longest three hours of my life.  I, along with the first four rows of the cabin, were privileged to hear his entire life story.  Glen was drunk before he got on the plane.  And because he “didn’t care for flying”, he proceeded to have several more drinks throughout the course of the flight.  The gal sitting next to me actually turned around and told him to talk quietly because she couldn’t read her book.  Yes, he was that annoying.

Did I mention Glenn was a douchebag?

Small world.  I actually worked with Glen for a few years in the restaurant industry.  He had no idea who I was, but I knew exactly who he was.  He’s a wee man … slight, spindly, sniveling.  Someone who thinks he’s more important than he is.  But even with his unattractive demeanor and presence, he still managed to make out with an even MORE WILDLY unattractive woman on the plane who sat next to him.

I’m not sure what her name was … but for the sake of the story we’ll call her Mavis.  She was your typical 55+ small town hick.  Dishelved hair.  Bad grammar.  And apparently a penchant for Latin lovers.  She and Glen canoodled for a majority of the flight.  That is, until Glen passed out.  He then proceeded to snore for the last 45 minutes while Mavis tried desperately to wake him up.  (Probably to continuing groping each other.)

So here’s to you, Glen, you douchebag.  If I never see you again, it won’t be too soon.  Oh, and if you come near me on an airplane ever again, I swear I’ll have one of the flight attendants punch you in the throat.

All my best to you and yours this holiday season.