Whether it’s making googly eyes at someone or a head tilt with a giggle, flirting is totally lost on me. Not only do I not understand it, I always miss the alleged telltale signals.
The running of the hands through the hair? The buying of drinks? The body language? Unless someone says, “Hey, you’re cute … wanna go out?” … I have no idea they are even the slightest bit sweet on me.
My friends have literally had to beat me over the head when someone lingers a little too long with a hug or courtesy laughs at my stupid jokes. “They clearly LIKE you, dumbass!” they’ll say. And I’ll respond with, “How can you tell? Maybe they’re just being friendly.”
This would explain why my friends are constantly exasperated with me. Come to think of it … they do facepalm a lot. That also explains why I have a lot of friendly “friends” … and not of lot of significant others. Hmmmmm.
I guess once I figure out there’s an ounce of sentiment, I do appreciate it. But it takes a village. Since I send flowers all the time, usually as a corporate thank you gift, I don’t think twice when I actually GET flowers. Call me jaded … but flowers seem like a business transaction.
If someone offers to make me dinner, I don’t see it as an act of affection. I see it as two people who have to have sustenance to live. “When it comes to any sort of flirtatious gesture, you are an epic fail,” my friend Brandon said. “I have seen profoundly autistic people with more game than you.”
Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone … without a lot of fanfare. I was on the road on February 14th, and took a client and co-workers out for a casual dinner. If there was any flirting going on at the table, I was oblivious to it. I was too busy making love to these things called “garlic cheesy twists”.
And just so we’re clear — flattery as a form of flirtation, meanwhile, is totally wasted on me too. When someone comments on my appearance or attire, I usually agree with them.
Person X: “Hey, you look really hot in that.”
Me: “I know. Duh.”
Person X: “No, seriously … you look gooooooooooood.”
Me: “No, seriously … I knoooooooooooooow.”
I guess what I’m saying is … if you’ve somehow flirted with me in the past and I missed your signals … my bad. And if you’d like to up the ante … I’m game. And I’ll be more receptive this time. I promise. You can start by buying me some garlic cheesy twists … and we’ll go from there.