Is this what happens? You turn 40 years old and the wheels fall off? Even though I’m still TELLING people I’m 32, I hit the big 4-0 last year. It was the best/worst year of my life.
For some inexplicable reason, I now find myself forced to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Every. Single. Night. Oh sure, I can fall right back to sleep, but since when did my bladder become a sieve? It used to be ironclad fortress of urine. A thimbleful of water four hours before bed will cause a tidal wave at 3:12am.
Since turning 40, I am starting to grow hair where I don’t want it. Specifically in my ears. Not sure what that’s all about, but I invested in a pair of tweezers. Best $2.49 I ever spent. Could be worse I guess … I could be losing hair where it needs to be. (And, no, I’m NOT talking about my back.)
Dairy products now have an adverse reaction in my body. It’s true. I’ve become lactose intolerant in the last year. Don’t miss milk or ice cream that much, but I would give my right arm to be able to wolf down a slice of cheese pizza. In theory I could still eat it, but the cramps that follow are comparable to childbirth, I’m sure.
Now that I’ve entered my 5th decade on earth, I now find myself making weird noises getting off the couch or getting out of the car. It’s kind of a weird grunt with a deliberate exhale of all the air in my body. I’m not even aware when I do it. My friends pointed it out. “You sound like a hyena with asthma,” said one buddy. I wanted to kick him, but figured I’d throw out a hip.
It’s not all bad, mind you. I still have 20/20 vision … uh, for now. And I’m still sharp as a tack when it comes to quippy quips or snappy one-liners. Of course, I can’t remember anyone’s name to save my life. I’m lucky not to confuse “Mom” with “Dad”. I had a friend turn 50 recently and he informed me he now uses two different kinds of medicine, one salve, one balm, to keep his ass from itching.
Ass cream? Ahh … something to look forward to, I guess. Not.