USA Today boasts a readership of 2.25 million peeps every day. It’s nauseating, really. I wonder how many of those people read Craig Wilson‘s ha-ha, slice-of-life “Final Word” column? He’s like a gay Erma Bombeck. He’s nonchalant, acerbic and colloquial all at the same time. (See, Craig … I can use big words too.) And just know that I’m gunning for his job … big time. I bring a lot to the table and I told him that when I met him at a recent writer’s conference. Unfortunately, he was too busy flirting with me to listen. So I ended up buying his stupid book to shut him up. I’m gonna write a book … it’s called “I Hope Craig Wilson Is Hit By A Bus … and Other Sundry Items.”

My best friend Deirdre (also seen in the pic) is bound to buy it. And you are formally obliged to buy it too. Then, USA Today will give me a phenomenal review and I’ll be asked to write a column for them. Craig Wilson better watch his ass … and stop watching mine.