About three years ago, the charity that I’m involved with asked me to be on their board of directors.  At the time, I wasn’t sure what that entailed, but I figured it was an honor to even be nominated.

Imagine my disappointment when I realized there was no secret handshake, no blood oath and, more importantly, no ceremonials robes.  It’s a bunch of white folks sitting around a room eating gourmet nuts and making important decisions.

Good thing I don’t have a nut allergy.  I would have been banished on my first day.

When I announced, loudly, to my friends that I was on the board of something, you could sense immediate jealousy.  I nearly sent out a press release.  It was a chance to implement change, shake things up and rub elbows with CEO’s and influential members of society.

And, of course, eat my weight in mixed nuts.

For the first year I didn’t say much.  (Try and wrap your brain around THAT one.)  I sat back and watched the goings-on … and the obvious hierarchy of players.  No one really ruffled any feathers, which was weird to me.  At one point I nearly stood up and shouted, “Don’t FUCK with me, fellas!” like Faye Dunaway did in the campy flick Joan Crawford biopic “Mommie Dearest.”  (Crawford was on the board of Coca-Cola for years after her hubby died.  She somehow inherited his role, I guess.)

The second year was a transitional year on the board.  New blood came in.  Others were thrown off when they tried to stage an international coup.  (Okay, not really, but it sounds good.)  I still didn’t say much because the charity was doing a good job of relegating itself.   We’d occasionally drink wine too … which is what important people do in important situations when making important decisions.

This year is even more rambunctious … and not because of alcohol imbibing.  We’ve got a new president who is the single smartest woman I’ve ever met.  She’s uses words like “inscrutable” and “egregious”.   I always look at her blankly and nod.  It’s my only defense.  Tonight we’re having a big boy board meeting at a fancy-schmancy restaurant.  Between brie and shrimp puffs, we’ll make critical decisions and initiate some new board members.

I hope they don’t expect ceremonial robes.